Cheating has become a national past time.  65% of men have affairs by the age of 40.  35% of women have affairs.  Many have forfeited their marriage and family for a few minutes of sexual pleasure.  Generally speaking, people do not plan on having an affair when they get up in the morning.  It happens so slowly that you don’t initially see it coming.  Then you wake up one morning in disbelief and wonder how it got to this point of what seems to be no return.  So how do we affair proof our marriages?

Do couples have affairs to get sex or better sex.  Syracuse University research tells us no.  In a list of the top 10 things couples want in a marriage, sex ranked # 9.  So what do men and women want in a marriage? The two most important things for both men and women is communication and humor.

For men, there are five things: First, respect.  His wife makes him feel capable of doing things well and praises him.  Secondly, refuge.  His wife makes home a stress free environment where he can get away from the stress at his job.  Thirdly, relationship.  It is a place to be yourself.  You can talk freely and unload negative feelings and get your mind wrapped around life before going out into the world. Fourthly, reserved time.  In the midst of all the other things she reserves time for him and takes sex seriously.  5. respect. She takes care of herself and the relationship and works at keeping herself clean and looking good and keeping the marriage fresh.

Women have a different set of important things.  Affection is number one.  Taking time to show that he cares is really important.  This can happen in numerous ways, kisses, romance, hugs, gentle pat, etc…  Conversation is the second one on the list.  It should be about her, not him or his day all the time.  It is his way of showing her that she is priority.  Thirdly, being open and honest.  Secrets only lead up to blow ups.  Dealing with things as they come up is key to not building up resentment and anger.  Fourthly is financial support.  It is rare for any woman to want a man to be lazy and not interested in providing for the family.  Even if it is a partnership, which is not uncommon these days, she wants to know he is ambitious and making an effort rather than being a mooch.  Lastly, she wants her man to be committed to the family and invest time and life into the kids individually and collectively.

These things, regardless if you are a man or a woman do not come naturally.  You have to make an effort to make your marriage partner a priority in your life.  You must be intentional about identifying slow leaks and taking care of it before it becomes a sudden blow up.

If he/she is not getting attention at home then he/she will take it from wherever and whoever gives it.  Men need their wives to communicate respect.  It is a hormonal need.  If she does not do it and another woman does, it is the first step to an affair, even if it looks innocent.  People who are in leadership and do a great job are sometimes admired by those who work with them. The encounter will look like an innocent compliment, but if the wife is not giving the compliment, it can open a door that he will go through to get his hormonal fix.  In like minded fashion, if the husband is not showing affection and having conversation, she will innocently go to someone who is.  In this day and age of Facebook and emails, affairs can begin with innocent online friendships that were never meant to go any further than a text message.

One of the things that both men and women want from their spouse is empathy.  They want to know that their partner understands what they feel and are going through.  Imagine if they don’t empathize.  Then he or she goes to work and some handsome man slightly touches her on the shoulder and let’s her know he understands, which leads to the break room. Or he is at the water cooler and she builds him up and strengthens him with compliments and even a rub on the shoulder and a renewal of respect that he was lacking is given, but from the wrong person.  All these things are innocent but they lead you to a place that should be reserved only for your spouse.  Then they go home and there is nothing but stress.  They don’t laugh.  They have bills.  They have things that need to be fixed.  They have crying kids.  They have softball, karate, dancing, homework… the list goes on an one.  Then they go back to work where the girl flirts with the guy and the guy with the girl.  There is a sense of unknown and forbidden that draws you even more.  It leads to what looks like an innocent lunch or dinner in the name of business but subconsciously they have a deep fantasy down deep. And they wonder what it would be like to escape the world of stress and live in this new world.  Are you getting the picture?

It starts with estrangement, then to encounter, then to empathy and then enjoyment.  Then it leads them to the execution.  It is all covered up but below the surface both know that this things that will lead to a one night stand will eventually lead to something more.

It will lead to expression.  It will be expressed through affection, sex and a lost of judgment.  The spouse or the kids will not be in their minds.  She will receive affection and he will receive respect.  Then they live with the long term effect.  A broken self.  A broken marriage.  A broken family.  One man said he never imagined that one night could do so much damage.

A man was victim of his wife having an affair.  Here is a little of what he said:  “One reason it feels so good to be married is the sense of being chosen.  Out of all the people in the world she chose me.  Me to touch, express intimacy; she chose me to share deepest sighs and groans.  It is only us…but after she had the affair, he said, “I felt unchosen and that I could not please her and that she took what was only ours to another man.  And that he would embrace her, hold her, kiss her…”

Affairs happen when marriages grow stale and stagnant from no movement and no growth.  Affairs happen when you give to another what should be reserved for your spouse.  I remember a time years ago when I had a personal problem and my secretary asked my if I wanted to talk about it.  I said, “I would love to, but I have reserved such conversation for my wife.”  Books are written on this subject.  But let’s keep it simple.  Are you affair proofing your marriage?  Are you helping your spouse grow as an individual and meeting their needs?  Are you investing in your marriage?  If not, it will not be affair proof.  Remember, men need respect and women need affection.  Focus on these two alone and you are a step ahead of many marriages.

Proverbs 5:15-23

May your fountain be blessed and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth, a loving doe, a graceful deer, may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.  Why be captivated my son, by an adulteress?  Why embrace the bosom of another man’s wife?  For a man’s ways are in full view of the Lord, and he examines all his paths.  The evil deeds of a wicked man ensnare him, the cords of his sin hold him fast.  He will die for lack of discipline, led astray by his own great folly.

by Dr. Stephen Forsyth